There is this idea out t here that those of us who suffer from mental illness, don't actually suffer, or that it's our choice to suffer. If only we would get out of the house, pick a hobby or go on daily walks etc that would cure us
The thing about mental illness is that something simple might work for one person, and not the other. We are all unique, we all have the same basic needs, but have different ways of filling those needs.
I've spent years telling myself that I'm not sick enough to actually be depressed, anxious etc. If I just changed this one thing (moving, have a family, start a business, get a new job, start school, quit school, start a new career etc) then my life would get better and I would no longer suffer from low self confidence, panic attacks and depression. None of the above has worked, supplements, new exercise programs etc none of these plans have ever worked long term. Somewhere along the lines I end up overwhelmed and throwing in the towel in an attempt to end the pain.
This attitude we have as a culture that doesn't believe in other peoples painful experiences, that avoids and numbs uncomfortable emotions, that we somehow have to quantify someones experience before we believe that they have a neurological disorder, or a mood disorder is destructive. I certainly hope that this attitude of 'tough it out' goes away, you cannot tough out physical or mental illness without risking your life in the process. Sorry, thats just the way it is.
My mom, has toughed out a lot of infections, my dad tried to 'tough out' serious symptoms of an impending heart attack (it killed him). My family tried to tough out emotional problems and ended up with drug and alcohol addictions.
I've been trying to tough out depression and anxiety, I have done so by blaming outside influences for my problems, I make huge life changing decisions impulsively and the life changes don't actually change how I feel. I have no idea how to deal with uncomfortable emotions, and I'm learning to sit with uncertainty (and being uncomfortable).
It's a hard road, full of bumps and painful self awareness. Today, I'll keep going, for the sake of my family, for the sake of me.
Saturday, February 6, 2016
Impulsivity
Here’s the thing, I have a friend, called impulsivity. I met this
friend through my relationship with depression, anxiety, and an
attention disorder. Me and impulsivity go way back, in fact as far back
as I remember we’ve always had a strained relationship.
This friend is always around, especially when I am stressed, overwhelmed, or have strong negative and conflicting emotions. I cannot get rid of this friend, impulsivity and I will probably have a relationship for life. He is not a good friend to have if you already have poor emotional coping skills.
When I am angry sad or scared he tells me to go into action right now, no right now, RIGHT NOW! so I can feel better. As someone who represses emotions this activity creates a problem. If I suppress how I’m feeling then impulsivity comes up with strong tempting suggestions like, go drink, eat a piece of cake, hey! how about a chocolate bar and a big ol bag of Doritos… Because we don’t want to feel like like this do we?.
I come from a long line of addicts, I know I exhibit addictive behavior, so rather than getting hooked on alcohol and drugs, I gave myself permission to eat away my problems, it’s just food right, we need that in order to survive and compared to drugs and alcohol it’s pretty cheap (and plentiful!). I used to exercise, excessively, obsessively, in fact I hit all the criteria for and eating disorder when I was a teen.
I’m working on my relationship with impulsivity, I think that he and I can have a healthy relationship if I can only learn how to stop suppressing my emotions and recognize when this friend is encouraging me to make strong split second decisions. He just wants me to take action and feel better, but perhaps if I connect with him on a deeper level we can come to an understanding that self medicating is not the answer
This friend is always around, especially when I am stressed, overwhelmed, or have strong negative and conflicting emotions. I cannot get rid of this friend, impulsivity and I will probably have a relationship for life. He is not a good friend to have if you already have poor emotional coping skills.
When I am angry sad or scared he tells me to go into action right now, no right now, RIGHT NOW! so I can feel better. As someone who represses emotions this activity creates a problem. If I suppress how I’m feeling then impulsivity comes up with strong tempting suggestions like, go drink, eat a piece of cake, hey! how about a chocolate bar and a big ol bag of Doritos… Because we don’t want to feel like like this do we?.
I come from a long line of addicts, I know I exhibit addictive behavior, so rather than getting hooked on alcohol and drugs, I gave myself permission to eat away my problems, it’s just food right, we need that in order to survive and compared to drugs and alcohol it’s pretty cheap (and plentiful!). I used to exercise, excessively, obsessively, in fact I hit all the criteria for and eating disorder when I was a teen.
I’m working on my relationship with impulsivity, I think that he and I can have a healthy relationship if I can only learn how to stop suppressing my emotions and recognize when this friend is encouraging me to make strong split second decisions. He just wants me to take action and feel better, but perhaps if I connect with him on a deeper level we can come to an understanding that self medicating is not the answer
A Good Day
As I stood waiting to cross at the corner of rectory and york,
watching the cars go past, looking at the empty mini mall and
remembering the old stores that used to be in it, I saw the ghost of
myself, and others. How many times had I walked up and down that road as
a child/ teenager? how many times had I walked while dreaming of bigger
and better things for myself.
How many times had my mom and I walked to the old grocery store in that mall that no longer existed. How often had my dad driven up and down this road in his black 2000 F150, bought groceries on his way home? Never knowing what lay ahead for him.
When I was a kid, we were poor. I was always taken care of, but we were poor, and when I lived in this particular end of the city we really had a tough time financially because my dad had no sense when it came to money (I suspect a lot of his money went to the race track) and my mom didn’t work. It was as if we were repeating the financial struggle that my grandmother had when raising 5 kids in that very same home.
My mother often expressed regret for raising me in poverty, if it weren’t for some very supportive family members we would have ended up on social assistance,or in government housing. She instilled within me the importance of getting an education and making something of myself. My mother was not perfect, but I am thankful that she instilled a small sense of worthiness within me. I was worth more than run down apartments and lack of food security.
I made her a promise, that I would dig myself out of poverty, that I would do better. I wanted an education, and I wanted to own my own business, and even more than that I wanted to give back to my community.
It hit me as I waited for the light to change, that I had come so far in my life from that quiet kid who dreamed of something better. I was realizing it, I mean, did I really just do an interview on live t.v about opening my own business? It was so surreal
I am a doula, a mom, an entrepreneur. And since those days of walking back and forth to school I have lost family, friends, my sense of safety, but since then I’ve gained (added) family members, gained more true friends, and a sense of self awareness.
My life then was not simple, nor easy, and in fact it was about to get much worse then I could have imagined, but I’m proud of myself for fighting through, for never giving up on what was important to me.
and now I’m left wondering what else life has in store for me, what amazing adventure is ahead of me with my new business, what will I learn, what will I gain?
How many times had my mom and I walked to the old grocery store in that mall that no longer existed. How often had my dad driven up and down this road in his black 2000 F150, bought groceries on his way home? Never knowing what lay ahead for him.
When I was a kid, we were poor. I was always taken care of, but we were poor, and when I lived in this particular end of the city we really had a tough time financially because my dad had no sense when it came to money (I suspect a lot of his money went to the race track) and my mom didn’t work. It was as if we were repeating the financial struggle that my grandmother had when raising 5 kids in that very same home.
My mother often expressed regret for raising me in poverty, if it weren’t for some very supportive family members we would have ended up on social assistance,or in government housing. She instilled within me the importance of getting an education and making something of myself. My mother was not perfect, but I am thankful that she instilled a small sense of worthiness within me. I was worth more than run down apartments and lack of food security.
I made her a promise, that I would dig myself out of poverty, that I would do better. I wanted an education, and I wanted to own my own business, and even more than that I wanted to give back to my community.
It hit me as I waited for the light to change, that I had come so far in my life from that quiet kid who dreamed of something better. I was realizing it, I mean, did I really just do an interview on live t.v about opening my own business? It was so surreal
I am a doula, a mom, an entrepreneur. And since those days of walking back and forth to school I have lost family, friends, my sense of safety, but since then I’ve gained (added) family members, gained more true friends, and a sense of self awareness.
My life then was not simple, nor easy, and in fact it was about to get much worse then I could have imagined, but I’m proud of myself for fighting through, for never giving up on what was important to me.
and now I’m left wondering what else life has in store for me, what amazing adventure is ahead of me with my new business, what will I learn, what will I gain?
Depression
It is washing over me like waves filled with defeat, hopelessness. I'm comfortable here, I know this place. Anxiety is like being in a room where the walls have spikes and are slowly closing in on you, and there is nothing you can do to stop it, except fall through the trap door that only leads you to depression.
It's heavy, my body feels heavier, and the thoughts running through my head are the discouraging ones, you can't do this, you're not good enough, why even bother trying?. I know it's not real, but it feels real and thats what matters, the veil has been lifted again and I can see the world as the dark, scary, and hopeless place that it really is.
I'm alone with my kids, slumped in a chair just staring off into space, monitoring them just enough to keep them out of trouble. My baby is fussing, and I wonder if singing to him will help, I pick him up. I don't want to speak, just sleep, if not physically then mentally, because I'm done, I'm worn out. The world has succeeded in keeping me down.
It's more comfortable for me to be sad and depressed, than it is for me to be fearful. My business venture will fail, they'll find out I'm a fraud, as I didn't even live up to my own standards. I did not leave a good impression, coupled with previous mistakes I made I'm afraid that they are all talking about me deciding not to work with me, disapproving of my actions. I disapprove of my actions, I behaved unprofessionally. I was late and caused other people problems and now someone might be in trouble, not because of me directly, but simply because I'm trying to open a business and they have become very reluctant to work with me.
I just can't stand the idea of one person not liking me, not one.
The big email just dropped, and I don't know how this will go, what if the they just start pointing out all my flaws, maybe flaws that others aren't aware of, maybe they'll decide not to work with me. Then I've lost money, hard work etc
If this fails, I'm done trying to be an entrepreneur, the emotional cost is so high that it's barely worth it. If I'm lucky I'll end up with a regular work, and a challenging start to a working relationship. I just want to quit, I'm done, I'm worn out, defeated. Bring on the comfort of numbness because I give up. It's better than feeling sick to my stomach with fear, thinking my world is about to end.
It's heavy, my body feels heavier, and the thoughts running through my head are the discouraging ones, you can't do this, you're not good enough, why even bother trying?. I know it's not real, but it feels real and thats what matters, the veil has been lifted again and I can see the world as the dark, scary, and hopeless place that it really is.
I'm alone with my kids, slumped in a chair just staring off into space, monitoring them just enough to keep them out of trouble. My baby is fussing, and I wonder if singing to him will help, I pick him up. I don't want to speak, just sleep, if not physically then mentally, because I'm done, I'm worn out. The world has succeeded in keeping me down.
It's more comfortable for me to be sad and depressed, than it is for me to be fearful. My business venture will fail, they'll find out I'm a fraud, as I didn't even live up to my own standards. I did not leave a good impression, coupled with previous mistakes I made I'm afraid that they are all talking about me deciding not to work with me, disapproving of my actions. I disapprove of my actions, I behaved unprofessionally. I was late and caused other people problems and now someone might be in trouble, not because of me directly, but simply because I'm trying to open a business and they have become very reluctant to work with me.
I just can't stand the idea of one person not liking me, not one.
The big email just dropped, and I don't know how this will go, what if the they just start pointing out all my flaws, maybe flaws that others aren't aware of, maybe they'll decide not to work with me. Then I've lost money, hard work etc
If this fails, I'm done trying to be an entrepreneur, the emotional cost is so high that it's barely worth it. If I'm lucky I'll end up with a regular work, and a challenging start to a working relationship. I just want to quit, I'm done, I'm worn out, defeated. Bring on the comfort of numbness because I give up. It's better than feeling sick to my stomach with fear, thinking my world is about to end.
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