Depression

It is washing over me like waves filled with defeat, hopelessness. I'm comfortable here, I know this place. Anxiety is like being in a room where the walls have spikes and are slowly closing in on you, and there is nothing you can do to stop it, except fall through the trap door that only leads you to depression.

It's heavy, my body feels heavier, and the thoughts running through my head are the discouraging ones, you can't do this, you're not good enough, why even bother trying?. I know it's not real, but it feels real and thats what matters, the veil has been lifted again and I can see the world as the dark, scary, and hopeless place that it really is.

I'm alone with my kids, slumped in a chair just staring off into space, monitoring them just enough to keep them out of trouble. My baby is fussing, and I wonder if singing to him will help, I pick him up. I don't want to speak, just sleep, if not physically then mentally, because I'm done, I'm worn out. The world has succeeded in keeping me down.

It's more comfortable for me to be sad and depressed, than it is for me to be fearful. My business venture will fail, they'll find out I'm a fraud, as I didn't even live up to my own standards. I did  not leave a good impression, coupled with previous mistakes I made I'm afraid that they are all talking about me deciding not to work with me, disapproving of my actions. I disapprove of my actions, I behaved unprofessionally. I was late and caused other people problems and now someone might be in trouble, not because of me directly, but simply because I'm trying to open a business and they have become very reluctant to work with me.

I just can't stand the idea of one person not liking me, not one.

The big email just dropped, and I don't know how this will go, what if the they just start pointing out all my flaws, maybe flaws that others aren't aware of, maybe they'll decide not to work with me. Then I've lost money, hard work etc

If this fails, I'm done trying to be an entrepreneur, the emotional cost is so high that it's barely worth it. If I'm lucky I'll end up with a regular work, and a challenging start to a working relationship. I just want to quit, I'm done, I'm worn out, defeated. Bring on the comfort of numbness because I give up. It's better than feeling sick to my stomach with fear, thinking my world is about to end.